Overheard at the First Authors' Meeting for No Child Left Behind

All right.  Let's call this meeting to order.   Are all of my cronies, politicians, bureaucrats, and various other non-educators present.?  Good.  Let's gather around this conference table and fix education.

First, let's itemize our problems.
1.  Students, especially low income ones, are not achieving at acceptable standards in reading and math.
2.  Many American schools are underperforming, widening our performance gap with China (and many other countries).
3.  The cycle of substandard education is perpetuated and kids fall through the cracks because there is no teacher, school, or district accountability for failure to perform.  

Okay, roll up your sleeves, people.  I haven't seen the inside of a classroom since 1984, but I want to hammer this out by lunchtime.    First of all, we need a way to measure student performance so that we can hold educators accountable.  How about this?  Let's mandate standardized testing for each grade level.  Teachers will teach the skills and the test will measure the students' proficiency.  Then we will know how well the teachers are teaching.  We can withhold funding if they underperform. 

That's perfect.  I mean, kids are all the same, right?  They learn the same way.  They have the same strengths and weaknesses.  They all have a "Leave it to Beaver" home life.  There are never extenuating life circumstances like hunger, illiteracy, poverty, or violence that inhibit or slow learning.  Teachers will teach one way and the students will learn it for the test.  It all comes down to numbers.  It's very simple.

Sure, teachers might have to spend extraordinary amounts of time and resources preparing the children for the tests.  Okay, so maybe teachers may not be able to use their wealth of training and professional discretion to individualize instruction and teach the whole child.  Teachers don't need that kind of power anyway.  For Pete's sake, it's not like they are doctors who make life-changing decisions for their patients.  Bottom line:  we need someone to point the finger at when kids don't perform. 

The kids?  Well the special needs kids and kids who struggle may be underserved because the focus will  shift away from their own challenges and onto test-taking strategies.  The average and above-average children might be drilled and unchallenged, with little time for out-of-the box thinking.  This high stakes testing could lead to student apathy and increased drop-out rates of struggling kids.  But, hey.  Survival of the fittest, right?

In order to pay for these mandates, states and school districts might need to make monetary cuts in untested subjects like foreign languages and technology.  You know, the areas of dire importance for competing in a global economy.  But whatever.

This will sufficiently drive away future quality educators - those who nobly enter the field to inspire, challenge, create, and make a difference in kids' lives.  We will be left with supervisory adults who specialize in test compliance.  Fantastic.

We can aim to have 100% proficiency by 2014.  That is not unreasonable or unrealistic at all!  We will set standards so unreachably high that even the academically successful schools will be deemed "failing".  Then our bureaucracy can sweep in and save the day, instituting new red tape and handing out waivers like candy.

Sounds like a plan.  Let's skill 'em, drill 'em, and kill 'em for sub-par scores.  Meaningful curriculum, student collaboration and problem-solving, teacher autonomy and innovation - they're all overrated.  Especially in the inner-city.

What should we call this new proposal?  Hmm.  What is a good, touchy-feely catch phrase that will demonstrate our good intentions and garner bipartisan support?  I've got it!  "No Child Left Behind".  It is genius!  Who wants to leave a child behind?  No one!  This will be a bipartisan blockbuster!  Look, even Ted Kennedy likes it!

Well, that was easy.  Good meeting, everybody.  Now let's all  put our hands in and on the count of three, say, "Mediocrity"!  Very good, now let's grab lunch.