Boy, Oh Boy!

When we were kids, my brother bet another boy that he could pee over a hedge for the right to ride the kid's bike.  And he did it.  No qualms about it.  Hey, it was a cool bike.

When Aidan was in Kindergarten, he and a group of boys would bust out of the school doors at the end of the day, dump backpacks with their mothers, and just run.  They were like Labrador retriever puppies escaping their cages to run free and pounce on one another in a heap of restless energy.

Now that he is older, it is the same energy - just channeled in a different way.  When Aidan is with friends, everything is a competition.  They constantly challenge each other to wall ball, football, basketball, Nerf duels, and video games.  They rate each others' ridiculous jumps into the pool.  They interact with one another through head-to-head competition.

Boys are such interesting creatures.  I grew up watching my brother, so I kind of "get" boys.  When I became a teacher, I had a soft spot for those active, boisterous beings.  I ended up having classes comprised disproportionately of boys and they clicked with my energy.  Little did I know then that my need to move and sing and be silly especially benefited my boys.

When I was teaching, I went to an inservice on teaching boys.  It was based on Dr. Bill McBride's discussion of gender differences in brain-based research, which shows that the male and female brains are structurally different and develop in a different order.

Girls and boys process and think about their emotions in different parts of the brain.  Think about how you and your husband react to any given situation!  Girls have more neural connectors, a larger corpus collosum, and more blood flow to the brain.  All of these features make girls better able to sit still, listen, multitask, and sense nuance in language.  Why does this matter, you ask?  Teachers love this behavior and structure their lessons to match it.

Boys are hard-wired for action - doing and constructing, straight talk, and loudness.  They learn by moving and building and they respond to big voices.  As the kids get older, how many opportunities do they get to engage in their own learning?  To build and problem-solve instead of sitting, listening, and taking notes?

Boys develop spatial awareness much sooner than girls, while girls develop language and abstract meaning earlier.  So by middle school, when both groups still have a long way to go in brain development, boys think they stink at writing and girls think they stink at math.

Boys have way more testosterone, which is the aggression and risk-taking chemical.  How many times have you said to your son, "Good Lord, child.  What were you thinking?".  They are driven to find out, "I wonder if I can jump from the roof into the swimming pool".

Meanwhile, girls have more serotonin, the calming chemical; and more oxytocin, the bonding chemical.  They tend to be more measured, placing higher value on building relationships and connecting with people.

Of course there are exceptions and not every boy or girl falls into these general characterizations.  But my children are terrific examples of these differences.  Both raised very similarly; both very bright, well-behaved students.  My son comes home from school and immediately needs to let off some steam after sitting much of the day.  He shoots hoops or rides his bike before he can even think about doing homework.  My daughter comes home and needs to reconnect with me, recounting her day in detail while she gets to work on her homework.  On birthday cards, Aidan writes, "Love, Aidan", whereas Madeline writes a novel.  I could go on.

It is no wonder that most teachers are females, who naturally nurture and relate to children.  So the school is a predominantly feminine institution in which boys must navigate and negotiate their education according to the female standard.  It would be interesting and exciting to see what would happen if educators really used this brain research to benefit both girls and boys.

Let me say that I do not subscribe to the "boys will be boys" sentiment.  I don't think that boys are just created to be aggressive thugs who can't sit and listen.  Of course they need to be attentive, respectful, and productive in school.  I just wonder if boys would still make up the overwhelming majority of discipline problems, the learning disabled, and high school dropouts if we applied this brain research to our teaching approach.  I think there is so much untapped potential in each gender for many reasons.  But school tends to be better suited to girls' behavioral and linguistic strengths.  Imagine what we could accomplish by tailoring boys' learning to boys' brains.  And if we properly channel and value their energy and competitive drive, wouldn't that also send the message to our girls that it is okay to be assertive, eager, and ambitious?

My kids' elementary school has been pretty great.  For the most part, their teachers have been enthusiastic, smart, creative, compassionate people.  There are terrific male teachers at our school, which is fantastic for our girls and our boys.  It is refreshing to see men teaching, reaching, and understanding boys.

Boys.  They are funny, active, complex and intense.  They do things we don't get.  But they make life exciting.  Hopefully our boys will leave their schooling with their restless, industrious spirits intact.  Their assertiveness and exuberance should be valued and used in the classroom so that they can carry it into a fiercely competitive, ever changing workplace that demands such qualities.

The Good Life is Not a Birthright

"Hey, guys.  I need you to bring down your dirty clothes."  No sound or movement from the children.  Five minutes pass.
"Aidan and Madeline, please bring me your dirty laundry."  Nothing.
"Now!".
"UUUUUUUGGGGHH", they moan in unison.
So for the bazillionth time I say to them, "Did I ask you to dig a ditch?  To pack up and go to war in the barren desert?" 
They bring me their laundry, but their attitudes stink.  Clearly my attempts to draw sharp contrasts to their cushy lives are ineffective.

Time to reassess my expectations and tactics.  So, the goal is to raise happy, kind, productive, self-sufficient people.  We're doing pretty well on happy and productive.  Both children are hard-working, devoted students who are also happily committed to their after school activities.  We need to work on kind and self-sufficient.  They are good, respectful, loving kids.  But, like most kids, they will do the bare minimum around the house.  And only when asked.  Several times.

Part of it is me.  Well, a lot of it has been me.  At first I didn't feel like they were old enough to help out around the house.  Then I didn't think they would do it to my satisfaction.  Now I see that these kids, who for all practical purposes are living the good life with their noses buried in their ipods, need to contribute more to their household.  They need to take personal responsibility for their space.  They need to value their home.  They need to know how to clean a toilet, fold laundry, and do some dishes for Pete's sake.

Sure, this lightens my load a bit.  But it's bigger than that.  Isn't this what I want my kids to do when they are grown?  Lift someone's burden?  Show compassion?  See beyond their own noses and help others?  I want them to grow up feeling that they are important, helpful, dependable members of this family.  My hope is that they carry this sense of duty into their friendships, their churches, and their own families. 

I believe that in the real world, when you want something, you work for it.  While we talk a lot about the value of money and putting material things in proper perspective, I don't think I have done enough to show them the amount of work that goes into running the household.  After all, the house has to be in running order so that we can eat, have friends over, and have clean dance clothes and team uniforms ready to go.  I'm pretty sure they don't appreciate the connection there.  Not yet.

In a world where you can get your meal as soon as you order it and you can Google your homework answers, I need to teach my kids that "the good life" is not a birthright.  It is not easy and it is not served on a silver platter.  Our children will not go to college and be handed a diploma without some measure of work.  They will not graduate and just fall into their dream jobs.  They will not build their families on selfishness and things.  They will arrive at these milestones through work and persistence.  How will they learn this monumental lesson in self-sufficiency if my husband and I are doing all of the doing and all of the giving?

So I am changing some things around here.  I am handing over the vacuum and the Pledge. More important, I will actively teach my kids to be aware of their capacity to help and serve others.  To offer their aid even when no one has asked. To contribute to a happy home, not just to be its benefactors.

I do not want my kids to ever feel entitled.  They need to know that they are blessed with a head start in life - a loving, supportive family that helps them study and cheers them on every step of the way.  They need to know that anything worthwhile takes work.  I want them to know that we are here on this planet to learn from one another and to give of ourselves.  It starts in this house.