Dear First Born Child (An Apology)

My Dear First Born Child,

What a gift you are.  You were our first; our only for a short while.  You were a guinea pig for two first-time parents who had a lot to learn.  We had to learn on you.  We are still learning. 

I know that I stuck to your sleep schedule like a prison guard.  I dressed you in too many clothes on cold days.  I rushed you to the doctor with every sniffle.  I wiped your face and changed your clothes every time  you had a spill or dribble.  I'm sure I did too much for you as you got a little older.  I tied your shoes for too long and cleaned  up after you too much.

I overreacted (and still do) to your missteps, knowing your intelligence and forgetting your age.  I protected you way, way too much.  I tried to prevent you from falling down so that you wouldn't get hurt.  I avoided germ-infested, yet fun places like mall play areas.  There was always that one kid there running around with a giant snot bubble expanding and deflating with each breath.  She was a major deterrent.  Perhaps my overprotectiveness also contributed to your distaste for walking barefoot in the grass at 18 months.  You really hated that feeling. I am glad you overcame that!

Thankfully, your sister came in the nick of time to help me loosen my grip on you.  She was God's wonderful and hilarious surprise.  She was His not-so-subtle whisper to me.  "Kaylee, lighten up.  Leave the worrying to Me.  Enjoy these two blessings I have given to you.  Give them love, teach them about Me, and delight in them".

So I got the message.  Your sister was a little dirtier and a bit more snotty-faced.  And you were right along with her.  I had two of you now.  I could not possibly worry and dote over two like I did with one.  And thank goodness.  I had to let some things go. I had to hand over my worries and show you how to really live.  I had to let you fall down so that you could learn to get back up.  I had to let you mess up so that you could learn to recover and move on.  I could not protect you from the world.  I needed to teach you to live and thrive in it.

Since the day you were born, you and I have been in a constant state of letting go.  You are learning, growing, and becoming more independent all the time.  All of this can make a mother feel uneasy.  We constantly juggle the urge to protect and the need to encourage self-reliance.  So forgive me when I just want to wrap you up in my arms and shield you from everything.

I have learned so much from you.  Your every first is my first as a mother.  I am sorry when I overreact or overprotect.  It is my first instinct.  Give me a minute and I will step back and try to be reasonable.

It gives me great joy to see you do the things you love.  I love to watch you dive for a baseball or fly down the sideline on the soccer field.  Because I know this is when you are the most alive.  I can't protect you from the disappointment or hurt out there.  You are putting yourself all the way out there and it is a thrill to watch.

I love you.  I adore your kind and passionate spirit.  I hope it soars.  I hope you always remember to really live and, every now and then, to walk barefoot in the grass.

Love,
Mom